Gym Freaks


     When I go to the gym, I am there for one reason and one reason only — to work out.  I’m not there to socialize or pick up dudes or strut my stuff. My mind is generally pretty focused on the task at hand (especially since I’m always on a tight schedule), but there are times when I can’t help but do a double take at some of the sights I see there.  Good Lord, some of the characters that parade through that place are truly in a class all their own.

     First, there’s a woman that I refer to as “Bacon Lady.”  This woman must spend hours upon hours roasting herself in a tanning bed, because her skin is so leathery and brown that she should be sitting next to a big plate of scrambled eggs.  And it’s hard to tell how old she might be because all those UV rays have made her look like she’s a hundred.  For the life of me, I can’t understand how she could possibly think that looks good.  All it does is make me have a sudden craving for breakfast food.

     Then, there’s the man I refer to as “Circus Dude.”  This guy has created the most insane-looking workout, where he combines acrobatic moves with synchronized dancing and yoga poses.  Talk about bizarre.  He’s jumping, he’s leaping, he’s spinning, he’s making a complete ass out of himself. When he’s in the middle of his performance, every head turns in his direction to try and figure out just what in the hell he’s doing.  I keep waiting for the ringmaster to come out and turn our attention to the center ring.

     Then, there’s the ultimate cheeseball guy who I refer to simply as “Meathead.” This dude is constantly checking himself out in the mirror in between weight sets. He slicks his hair back and arranges his eyebrows, and I often see him doing boxing jabs so he can check out his biceps in the glass.  And he’s not at all nonchalant about it either.  He actually looks around to make sure that someone’s watching the “gun show.”  Hate to break it to ya, Meathead, but you should really think about giving people their money back cause the “show” is not at all impressive. 

     Then, there’s “The Flirt” who tries WAY too hard to be funny and to impress all the ladies.  This guy will literally jump on a machine next to you to try to carry on a conversation.  He pays no attention whatsoever to the fact that your Ipod is blaring, and you can’t hear a single word he says.  He continues to crack his stupid jokes and tell his stupid stories, all while you’re slaving away on the elliptical, trying to get your sweat on.  Perhaps his name should be changed to “Clueless.”  

     And finally, there’s “The Package,” the guy who wears ridiculously tight leggings that advertise that he has a ridiculously large package.  And he’s not just walking around in the gym in this get-up either.  Oh no, no, he’s jogging on a freaking treadmill, while things are wiggling and jiggling and flipping and flopping all over the damn place. And trust me, it is not a pretty sight to see, and as much as you want to look away, you just can’t. It’s kind of like a train wreck.  You just can’t help but stop and stare.  Somebody needs to get that boy a jock strap STAT!

     I never know which one of these odd balls I’m gonna run into on any given day at the gym, but I always come face to face with at least one of them.  I guess it does make for interesting scenery, since the gym can be pretty dull during the winter months.  Wow, can you imagine if they all showed up on the same day?  Bacon Lady, Circus Dude, Meathead, The Flirt, and The Package — now that’s one hell of a freak show!


7 Responses

  1. Damn. I think I need to change gyms. A work out AND a show?!? FOR FREE??? Jealous!

  2. Count me as one of the lucky ones. I work out in the same gym as the local hockey team! The place is full of yummy eye candy.

  3. Thanks for the laugh. I was hoping you would post today and poof ya did 🙂

    The gym I go to is full of people who feel the gym is meant for a fashion show. And her I come in, hair in a high ponytail since it’s long and thick. While wearing a non flattering pair of sweats and no make-up. These people (my sister included) will spend hrs getting ready just to go to the gym. Hair done, make-up perfectly put on and wearing outfits that could have easily cost more than my rent. If one lady outdresses another, the next day the outdressed lady will come in looking even more high maintenance. In the mean time, they don’t really work out, it’s more of a fake workout. You know the type, they will only do something if someone is watching them. If no one is watching they are too busy checking out to see what other people are wearing. And then there’s me, who is sweating my ass off trying my hardest to get rid of the wiggly jigglies. At least I never have to wait for a machine to use. If the machine requires effort, these people aren’t on them. G-d forbid they sweat or their hair gets messed up.

  4. LOL I love the photograph you describe with Bacon Lady. Maybe you should offer a mirror and a photograph of bacon? Maybe she will see the similarities…. lol

  5. Your crazy people story makes me feel a little sad that I just use the treadmill at our house instead of going to the gym. Look at all the fun I’m missing out on!

    Recently I was taking to a male friend who was telling me about all the crazy folks at his gym. The craziest guy at his gym was the one who always walked around the change room buck-naked. He was naked the entire time – including when he washed his hands and did his hair in front of the mirror. What made him crazy is that he always purposely picked up and placed his “package” so his goods sat on top of the counter while he used the sink and mirror.

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