Doggy Style

dog_humping_pig

     If you’ve been following my blog, you are well aware of the furry little fiend in our house who likes to chew on just about everything in site, including body parts. We’ve spent a crap ton of money buying a bazillion different dog toys for him to chomp on, but it seems he is very particular about which ones really appeal to him.  After many hours of nibbling and gnawing, his top choices have become a stuffed polar bear named Betty and a rawhide type thing called a Bully Stick. 

     When we first brought him home from the breeder, he was not a big fan of his crate.  He’d whine and cry and raise all kinds of hell trying to persuade us to let him out of there.  I decided he might like to have a little snuggle buddy, so I asked my daughter if we could give him one of her thousands of stuffed animals.  She hemmed and hawed over this decision, but she eventually determined that she was willing to part with her big, white polar bear.  And so began the love story between Betty the bear and Wrigley the demon dog.  

     It took a while for Wrigley to really warm up to Betty.  At first, she just kinda served as a pillow for him to rest his head.  We’d glance over at his crate and find him nestled in there with his head propped right across Betty’s.  Little by little, they progressed into full-on spooning.  Betty must be one hell of a spooner too, cause any time I’d take her out to clean the crate, she wreaked of dog.  The cuddle fest continued like this until one day when Wrigley decided to drag Betty out for some open air action.

     It was around this time that Wrigley decided to make Betty his bitch. He’d take her in his mouth and run crazy wild circles around the family room, stopping only to shake the tar out of her. He’d throw her on the ground and stand on top of the poor thing as if to say, “Yeah, who’s your daddy?”  And then one day last weekend, Wrigley figured out how to hump. My husband thought it was the funniest thing ever and even took pictures of the two little lovebirds. He even tried to recreate the mood so that Wrigley could show off his newfound skill to me.  (I was not as impressed.) And I gotta say that Betty took it all like a freaking trooper too with her crunchy hair and filthy stank.  Unfortunately, though, the dog trainer nipped that in the bud.  She said to correct that behavior immediately or else deal with him going to town on anything with a leg in the near-distant future.  I think that my husband was secretly disappointed that the canine peep show had to be shut down.

     Wrigley’s other favorite chew toy is something called a Bully Stick, which looks like a long,brownish-colored rawhide bone.  He loves chewing the crap out of this thing, so I ended up buying him another one.  We had these sticks lying around our floor for an entire week before I learned what they are actually made of.  Turns out they are dried bull’s penises!  I kid you not!  I may have thrown up a little in my mouth when I learned that I had been stepping over cow peckers all week.  So now, it has become a big joke around here.  The kids will tell Wrigley, “Here, chew on your peeper, Wrigley.”  And when he starts to bite us, my husband and I will tell him, “Go find your dick, Wrigley.”

     So, it seems that Wrigley is in his experimental phase.  On the one hand, he likes to get down and dirty with Betty, and on the other, he likes to nosh away on cattle dongs.  I feel like we have a PG-13 puppy in our midst, and we need to start shielding our innocent little audience member’s eyes.  Otherwise, we may have to explain the old birds and the bees much earlier than we thought.

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15 Responses

  1. Too funny! Where do you get these cow peckers that Wrigley is so enjoying?

    Must say I’m glad to know we’re not the only household with a demon dog!

    • You can get the peckers at a specialty pet store — you know, the ones that charge 3 x’s the price of other stores for gourmet biscuits. They’re kind of expensive — one of them was $10. Guess, good peckers don’t come cheap!

  2. Oh my dear mother of god. This surfaced hidden memories of the time I went to spend a month with my Aunt in NY… Her boyfriend had a demon-dog named Junior. Junior pissed and shit EVERYWHERE.

    I was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag and woke up one morning to find Demon Bastard PISSING ON THE SLEEPING BAG WITH ME STILL IN IT!!

    Ugh. My Aunt, of course, almost pissed herself laughing. I didn’t think it was so funny.

    • Ewwww! That must have been horrible! Junior was literally & figuratively a son of a bitch, wasn’t he?!

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHA “Go find your dick, Wrigley.” I spit Sierra Mist all over my desk thank you. I never even knew they made something like that….my old dog was very fond of pig’s ears, but I must say a cattle dong was never something we came across in the pet store. A little disturbing, but truely histerical. Way for Betty to hang in there like a trooper. I am sure you can’t wait to get him fixed.

    • I’m so sorry to have caused you to spit Sierra Mist everywhere! Yes, he will be getting snip snipped as soon as he’s old enough!

  4. I love your blog posts, you are soooo funny!

    I have 3 Shih-tzus, 2 males 1 female. (Mom, Dad, and 11 month old puppy) The two males are hump crazy, but only on moving 4 legged targets. The older male I think is Bi-sexual, as he will hump both the female and the other male dog. The younger male I think is gay (not that I have a problem with this), but he will only hump the other male. My daughter has seen them at it, and has surprisingly asked me “why does Dean have a pink thing sticking out of his penis?” I only use the proper terms for things with my daughter. My daughter witnessed our youngest male being born last November. She was 5. Of course, that’s when all the direct questions of where do puppies and babies come from started. So over the next 11 months, she learned all about where puppies and babies came from. I left nothing out. So now, when she sees Dean humping Patches (our female) she will either tell him to do it in private or put a condom on because we don’t want any more puppies. I nearly spit out my soda when I heard her say that. I did not expect that out of a 6 yr olds mouth. However, I am quite pleased with her. At least I know she was paying attention and understands about birth control and unwanted pregnancies.

    ****For those of you that are shocked that I actually taught a young child about sex there’s a couple of reasons for it. I was never able to speak to my mom about anything personal. I had my period for 6 yrs before she even found out. I couldn’t tell her, I didn’t feel comfortable. I am very open with my daughter. I don’t sugar coat anything. I want her to feel comfortable talking to me and know that she’s going to get an honest, straight foward answer and that nothing is too embarassing or off limits to ask. Plus, from what I’ve been told, the schools here will start teaching it to students when they hit second or third grade. I’m her mom, it’s my job to teach this stuff to her, not the school’s.*****

    • I, for one, am thoroughly impressed that you had the courage to tell your daughter like it is! She’ll be the only one who isn’t confused when all of her friends are furrowing their eyebrows in sex ed! Kudos to you!

  5. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!! Oh………Mr Nucking Futs!!!!!!

  6. There are no words!!!
    and JillyBeeny–I would love to hear the conversations your daughter has with other kids her age!! LOL!! I too learned correct terminology at a very young age b/c my older sister learned to read at a VERY early age (3) and had read my baby book (the first part of which was extremely informative) at the age of 6 or 7 and decided to tell me (I was 4 or 5)….my mother thought it was hilarious!

    • I’ve already got my “birds & bees” talk all planned out — I’m going to invite you & JillyBeeny over for some cocktails and then have you all do the dirty work for me. Doesn’t that sound like a great plan??!! 🙂

      • I’ll have a Margarita please 🙂 I don’t mind doing it for you. It’s not as hard as you think. I think it may have been harder if I waited until she was older. Then I’m sure I would get the ‘ugh mom, I don’t want to talk about this stuff with you’. As children approach teenage years is when this topic becomes an embarassing one for them.

    • Actually, my daughter was scolded last year for using the proper terms of male and female body parts. They treated “penis” and “vagina” as if they were swear words. The kids in her kindergarten class had gotten into an argument over what their respective parts were called. Geena jumped in and told them their proper names and got into trouble. One little boy insisted that his penis was a dallywagger, another said pee pee. A little girl said her vagina was a coocoo. Geena told them those are just “cutesy” names and boys have penises and girls have vaginas. How the topic between the kids came up, I’m clueless to. Hopefully they weren’t playing I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. WHen her teacher told me what was said, she couldn’t say the proper terms without whispering them. As if they were a no no to say. Needless to say I was pissed. They are not bad words, they are not swear words. It’s not like she told one of the kids to f-off. Thankfully we moved back to MI so she’s not in that school anymore.

  7. That is hilarious!!!! I’ve talked to my oldest, but did it a little at a time as she asked.

    I had the hardest time staying still & smiling when we had to go to the maturation program last year. I got a good shiver out after we were home & she was out of the room & couldn’t see me.

    When my sister told me, I went right out & tattled on her. I asked my mom if she was gonna get in trouble for saying those things & my mom said, “No. because now I don’t have to tell you!” and I was her 4th kid. (so I guess it doesn’t get easier)

    Good luck!

    • I know we’re gonna have to have “the talk” sooner rather than later. Their little minds are so curious & WAY smarter than I give them credit for. I remember my mom gave me the most boring book ever to explain it to me.

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