Dignity? What Dignity?

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     Yesterday, I had the opportunity to experience what it must feel like to be in a coffin, only, I wasn’t dead, and I wasn’t buried under the ground. Rather, I was stuck in an MRI machine for a horrific forty minute adventure from hell that not only scared the shit out of me but also solidified my desire to be cremated later on down the road.  That being said, I was willing to suck it up and endure the agony of it all if it meant getting to the root of my back pain.

     When I got to the clinic, I was told by the bitchiest technician in the medical industry to strip down to my underwear and put on another God-awful-looking robe. Suzy Sunshine then led me back to the room where all the fun was gonna go down. She gave me a pair of earplugs and told me that the machine could get pretty loud.  “Hmmph, how loud could it possibly be?”, I foolishly thought.  She ordered me to lie down on the cold, hard surface and remain perfectly still, no matter what.  I was then whisked away into the tunnel of doom.

     I guess I had forgotten about my little problem with small, enclosed spaces because I immediately felt panicky.  I tried to just close my eyes and pretend that I was anywhere else on earth.  Maybe I’d even catch a little shut-eye.  But it was at this precise moment that I understood exactly why I was given the earplugs in the first place.  My ears were blasted right out of my head by the sound of what could only be described as the world’s loudest freaking jackhammer.  It then switched over to sounds of a rival crossfire between an Uzi and a machine gun.  I was convinced that I was going to look like a piece of swiss cheese when it was all said and done.  I started to get hot.  I started to get sweaty.  And I started to cough.

     Trying to contain a tickling in your throat is like trying to contain a volcano.  It was coming out whether I wanted it to or not.  It started out small but then errupted into an all-out coughing fit.  Suzy Sunshine’s voice came over the speaker inside the machine to ask me in a very annoyed voice if I was ok because she saw A LOT of movement on the computer screen.  I told her that I was sorry, but I had to cough.  When I asked if that was ok, she practically bit my head off with a VERY adamant, “NO, IT IS NOT!!!”  I then spent the remaining fifteen minutes in a showdown with another cough that was threatening to come out.  

     When I finally emerged from the torture chamber, I was pretty sure I was going to be forever deaf in my right ear, but I was so relieved to breathe in fresh air and to cough right in Suzy Sunshine’s hateful face. However, as glad as I was to have that portion of my day complete, the fun was far from over.  I then had to meet with my doctor to read the MRI and to potentially receive a spinal cortisone  injection. Since my pain appeared to be more muscular in nature, my doctor ended up recommending an injection, and I was once again placed on a cold, hard surface.  

     Although I was allowed to leave my clothes on for this particular procedure, I had to lay face down with my pants pulled down and my ass hanging out in the air.  I tried making light of the situation by apologizing for mooning the doc.  He laughed as he numbed the “area,” which just so happened to be right above the old butt crack. Now at this point in the process, all abilities to maintain my humility were literally non-existent.  I was about to have a ridiculously large needle inserted into my ridiculously exposed derriere.  Surprisingly, though, I really felt no pain, just slight pressure at the injection site. In fact, it was quite the opposite — I felt nothing.  

     And much to my amazement, the feeling of nothingness spread not only to my butt cheeks but also to my lady bits.  I felt like I’d gone to the dentist for a filling, only he missed by a mile with the Novacaine. Little by little, the bits came back to life, but the tush was pretty sore for the remainder of the night.  Today, I still have soreness in my kadunkadunk, as well as in my back, but they said it could take up to two weeks for the cortisone to take full effect.  It better be worth its while cause after all, I did have to endure coffin-simulation, bare my ass for a room full of people, and lose all feeling in my poontang.  I have no more pride, so the least I can hope for is some relief.

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20 Responses

  1. Oh you poor dear. You endured so much, and with a sense of humor. Bless you!

    • Thank you — it was quite a day, but I’ve found that if I don’t find something to laugh about, I’ll go even more nucking futs! 🙂

  2. HAHAHAHAHA O man did I need that laugh. It sounded like when they gave me my epidural lol. Good times.

  3. Sounds like Suzy could have used a shot herself, such as some cortisone to the tongue.

  4. I see your hiny, it’s bright & shiny… But, seriously I hate when you have to literally be exposed & act like it’s no big deal when it is. It IS a big deal.

  5. I’m so glad that I’m not clausterphobic! I had an MRI done for my back too and my experience couldn’t have been more different. The technician (nice guy) piped in my favourite radio station and the music totally knocked me out for a little snooze. I walked away totally relaxed. I may have had it easier but you definitely walked away with a better (funnier) story!
    All of my dignity was lost when I had my surgery and couldn’t do anything for myself for a while!

    • I so badly wish I could’ve gone to sleep, but I was too busy trying to control my panic attack. And I know what you mean about the surgery thing — sucks to be debilitated, doesn’t it?

  6. oh god, how horrible, and how hilarious at the same time

  7. Reminds me of after my surgery and not feeling my lower depths for a couple of hours. Nothing is weirder. Nothing.

    I’m not claustrophobic at all and MRIs still freak me out. You’re in a lot of company. My techs were much nicer though.

    • It should be mandatory that the techs are nice. Those machines freak the crap outta people — the least they could do is slap a smile on their faces!

  8. My dignity went with child birth.. I was just getting it back 5 years later when I had to push another one out.. I’m sure I’ll recover one day.
    I’m sorry you found the meanest tech EVER. I seriously dislike short tempered medical staff.. When was the last time you went to the hospital for a GOOD thing? Our children? That wasn’t ‘good’ for us. We aren’t there ’cause we love it.

  9. I sooo feel for you. I had my first MRI a few weeks ago for DDD in my neck and it was absolutely the creepiest thing I have ever been through. Mine only lasted 17 minutes, can’t even imagine 40.
    Obnoxious must be on the curriculum for MRI techs!

  10. Oh you poor thing! I’ve told my husband if I ever need an MRI that it needs to be an open one. I’d be like Dr. Becker (Ted Danson)–>panic and run! LOL Actually, I know exactly where there is an open MRI in town…you know, just in case.

    I was just chatting with a friend of mine who went to the doctor’s office for a procedure a couple of days ago. I’m having her read this so she knows she’s not alone with her experience in being treated so poorly, rudely by inconsiderate doctors, nurses and assistants. You’ve made a humiliating, frightening experience funny as hell! I think we’re all laughing because we’ve all been there at least once (probably many) times in our lives! We’re right there with you, woman! Thanks for the laughs. Love your posts!

    • Thank u for being a loyal reader of my posts! I truly, truly appreciate it! And yes, bring on the OPEN MRI for any future appointments. No more coffins for this lady!

  11. They gave me Valium for mine & kept telling me how much longer I had & could I make it?

    The trick is to fess up to being claustrophobic right up front & then come in with “crazy eyes”

    • Well crap, I should’ve consulted w/u before my appointment so I could get all the tricks & trades! You are so lucky you got Valium — that would definitely help me to hold still. And I’ll definitely remember the “crazy eyes.” 🙂

  12. If I ever have to go through that again I’ll be washing down the valium with a glass of vodka lol

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