Pee Cup

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     You would think that after all the appointments with the fertility doctors and all the checkups throughout my twin pregnancy that I’d be a freaking expert at peeing in a damn cup.  Sadly, I have not only never mastered that special skill but I have also become even worse at it throughout the years. Guys have it so easy cause they can just point and piss, but women have to really aim and pray for a safe landing.  I don’t know if the cups have gotten smaller or if my pisser’s gotten crazier, but it has become next to impossible for me to pee a straight stream into a little plastic trap.  It’s like trying to fill a sippy cup with an intermittent sprinkler.  

     Yesterday I had a physical scheduled with my internist and was asked to give a routine urine specimen.  I had specifically worn one of my prettier thongs after my last doctor’s appointment where I had to perform butt floss yoga moves.  I was surely prepared for anything this time!  Or, so I thought….  The nurse gave me a teensy tiny cup and told me to pee a little in the toilet and then empty the rest of my bladder into the cup.   Piece of cake, right?!  Even though I don’t necessarily have the best track record with this type of target practice, my sleep-deprived brain told me that I could no doubt handle this.

     I assumed the squat position and let a tiny bit of pee go into the toilet before I positioned the world’s smallest cup underneath the stream.  It was at this precise moment that my bladder decided to impersonate a fire hose with a knot in the middle.  I suffered through the entirety of the stop-and-go motion until I felt like I had a decent enough collection to submit to the nurse.  And even though I had a bit of pee on my hand, I felt pretty impressed with the sample I would be providing.  As I was trying to move my arm holding the pee cup out from the vicinity of my pant area, I must’ve tilted a bit because the cup somehow spilled half its contents into my pretty thong. Unfreakingbelievable.  My lovely hand-picked green and black lace thong was now soaked in piss, not to mention the floor that was sprinkled with tinkle.

     I tried my damnedest to dab my panties with paper towels, all to absolutely no avail.  They were soaked through and through.  Since there was no way on God’s green earth I was gonna be able to tuck my pee-soaked undies into my pants without looking like I’d had an accident, I made a judgment call to just suck it up and go commando. I slipped my wet drawers off my legs, wrapped them into a paper towel, and tucked them into my purse.  It wasn’t the most exciting walk of shame I’ve ever had, but I emerged from that bathroom as if nothing had ever happened and quickly made my way to my exam room to wait for my doctor.  I couldn’t help but imagine the curious looks from the nurse’s station who surely must’ve been convinced that I was taking a super-sized dump in there since I took so long.

     I know that I cannot be the only lone outta control female pisser out there.  When you’ve popped out a kid or two, things in that area are inevitably gonna change, and there needs to be a little room for error factored into the equation. So would it really be asking so much for them to provide us with a friggin’ funnel to ensure a better outcome?  I mean, seriously, there’s a reason why girls sit down to pee and guys stand up.  So I guess, when you get right down to it, we all kinda suck at aiming, don’t we?

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14 Responses

  1. Actually, my Dr’s office has urine cups that have like a funnel thing attached to the top. They are available, and you should ask your Dr. to get some. They are awesome, cuz the opening is like GIGANTIC on these things. After having just one kid it is not easy to pee in a cup, so now that I have to do it at the OB all the time again that makes it a hell of a lot easier. Just thought you would like to know that they actually do make cups with the removable funnels though.

  2. Time for the meds to invent a pee bucket. You’re too funny.

  3. I’ve done the same thing many times. I always feel like such a dumbass.

  4. Have you ever had to hold the pee cup for a 4yo? That rivals the experience. Except if you spill on the one trying to pee in a cup at that age, there is a little forgiveness from the staff.

  5. HILARIOUS!!

  6. Freakin’ brilliant.

  7. I can’t do it either and i haven’t had kids yet. Oh, and the majority of the time i’m so focused on peeing in the cup that I forget the wet wipe things they give you to use first, so then I spend the rest of the appointment worrying that I will get wrong results because I didn’t use them. If this gets harder to do after I have kids, I’m screwed. They make funnel things? Oh MamaBennie, you have given me hope in life. ~Susan

  8. lol and here i thought i was the only one who had done that crap. Although i must agree with girlsworld, trying to do it AND deal with a kid just double it on the painintheass-meter.

  9. That’ll teach you for trying to wear pretty panties!
    If you had on shitty granny panties, they would have survived unscathed.
    I too pray for the funnel. If they make them, my doctor must have missed the memo.

  10. OMFG!! You mean I’m not the ONLY one with a faulty pisser?!! (did I just share that with the internet?!)

    I once had to pee in a cup after a pilates class and I must not have drank enough water because it was taking me FOREVER to get anything going. On top of that, my legs were BURNING from the class so squating was a huge challenge. I was all sweaty when I finally came out of the bathroom…my husband thought I had fainted!

  11. Oh my goodness! You are hilarious… and that experience you had… oh, man! I could totally picture the same thing happening to me. I wouldn’t know what to do! And yes, a funnel should be like, standard, you know?

  12. You’re the opposite of me. Even though I’ve had two kids and had to pee in cups twice a week for a total of 18months (my pregnancies were considered high-risk so I had 4 doctor appointments a week) my bladder still freezes up and refuses to let go. I literally have to drink 2 or 3 cups to prep for any pee-in-a-cup routine. Shy bladder that’s me.

    • Wow! If I drank 2-3 cups, I’d be bursting at the seams. I am quite certain I have the world’s smallest bladder.

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