My Rockin’ Saturday Night


     My weekend entertainment was nothing short of a snooze fest. Since the hubby flew out for yet another business trip on Saturday morning, I was once again left to manage the troops all by my lonesome.  Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my kids, but I think we’ve all had just a little too much together time lately.  I am so badly craving an adults-only night out for a change.  Instead, I spent my Saturday night with a bloody nose and a pile of dog puke.

     Once I finally got the kids to bed, I thought I’d try to plop my seriously worn-out junk in the trunk on the couch for a while.  After the marathon of a day that I’d had taxiing everybody’s ass all over the flippin’ town, it didn’t seem like such an unreasonable desire to want to chillax with some boob tube and my trusty ol’ glass of KJ (that’d be Kendall Jackson for all you rookies). But, as the past three weeks have more than proven to me, there is no such thing as chilling, much less relaxing, for this little mama. And wouldn’t you know that no sooner than my left cheek barely even grazed the cushions, than I was up catering to someone else’s needs other than my own.  

     With the kids, it was business as usual with them playing their little games to delay going to sleep in any way humanly possible.  Do you have any idea how pissed off that makes an incredibly sleep-deprived woman to watch another human being try their very damnedest to NOT go to sleep??!! I would’ve traded my big toe, my left arm, a kidney or two and any other body part to have the chance to catch some zzz’s. Alternatively, though, I got to run up and down the stairs threatening to take away bikes, food and shelter if two little people didn’t shut their freaking yappers.

     When I finally established peace on the second floor and started to let out a sigh of relief, I was then greeted by yet another whiny household member.  The damn dog wanted out of his crate and was ready to raise all kinds of hell. Since the pooch needs to go out to do his duty no less than 25,000 times a day, I leashed him up and headed out to the backyard with my flashlight (I learned my lesson about scooping poop in the dark).  As I stood there freezing my ass off in the cold autumn air, I noticed that he kept smacking his chops as if he was eating something, and when I shined the light in his mouth, I found that he was chomping on gummy bears of all the odd things.  Upon further investigation, I discovered that some little neighborhood shit had completely scattered our entire backyard with a whole jackass bag of gummy bears. Seriously, what the hell?!  Is this a new thing?  I guess I didn’t get that memo, and I completely failed to see the humor in it.    

     After I brought the dog back inside, I irrationally thought I could get him to sit on the couch with me and a variety of his chew toys. Surely, I could finally hook up with my long-awaited KJ.  However, the pooch apparently decided that his chew toys weren’t quite chewable enough for him and decided to move onto bigger (ahem) and better things.  The little maniac bit my boob, as well as the tip of my nose. Did I mention that his teeth are like tiny little razors?  Razors and skin do not make a good match, so I then spent the next fifteen minutes trying to get the end of my nose to stop bleeding.  Eventually, it clotted, and I was all set to watch Wanda Sykes’ new HBO special.  I got about thirty minutes into it when I noticed the dog gagging next to me on the couch.  I immediately went into save- the-couch mode and shoved him onto the floor where he barfed up a big pile of nastiness on the rug.  And as if that wasn’t enough icing on the cake, he then reminded me of one of the nastier little dog quirks that I had somehow blocked from my memory.  Dogs eat their puke.  Yes, they most certainly do.      

     So, to recap my rockin’ Saturday night, I ran laps up and down my stairs, cleaned up gummy bears from my backyard, and watched my dog bite my boob, bloody my nose, and eat his own barf.  I know you’re all jealous.  I am a lucky, lucky girl with such an exciting life.  I can’t believe all my glamorous escapades aren’t chronicled daily in Star magazine right alongside such party animals as Dina and Lindsay Lohan.  All this excitement is almost too much for one person to handle.


9 Responses

  1. i say hubby has some serious kiss ass to you. I see a shopping trip in your future.

    The gummy bear thing would piss me off too.

    • Yes, there better be some ass kissing going on come this weekend! The problem is that he’s gonna be so jet-lagged that it’ll be a contest as to who’s the bigger zombie.

  2. you should rename your house “Vietnam.” that’s a pretty intense Sat. night lady. I probably would have eaten the dog, tied the kids to their beds, and poured the entire KJ down my throat if that were me… Hang in there lady – I’m sure the hubster will make up for it when he gets back.

    • I pretty much down pour the majority of that KJ down my throat after all that! When it rains, it freaking monsoons up in this bitch. And you’re damn tootin’ that the hubster better be making up for it when he gets back. He’ll be sleeping in the dog crate w/the devil pooch if he doesn’t….

  3. Holy shit! That is a suck-ass night, but man, I giggled all the way through this. And the pic of the barfing dog is hysterical.

    After I had my firstborn, my cat attacked and bit my boob. It was excruciating! I wasn’t lactating any more, so I don’t know why the little f*&%er did it, but it totally freaked me out!

  4. Wow, and I thought that I was having a bad day today. My day still is bad, just not that bad. I find the little douche that put gummy bears in my yard and hang him upside down from a tree (little bastard). No one better even come near this house to cause trouble, cuz I have some pent up rage that needs to be released.

    • Yes, you’ve got the pregnancy hormones raging through your veins, don’t you? Don’t mess w/that! The damn dog is still finding gummy bears in the yard after my kids spent the afternoon picking all of them up yesterday. No clue why someone would pick our yard to pull that stupid prank. Aren’t you supposed to do that kinda crap to other teenagers’ yards? So freaking annoying!

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