It’s War!


     The time has come, people.  My dukes are up, and I’m ready and willing to go to war once again with our nut-loving, bushy-tailed neighbors.  I’m talking about the over-populated clan of squirrels that mistakenly think they rule the roost around here.  They have made it very clear that they have a personal vendetta against me, and I refuse to go down without a fight.  These deranged and incredibly ballsy squirrels here have been pushing my buttons for several years now and have earned themselves a number one slot on my all-time shitlist.

     This whole rivalry began when we moved into our house six years ago.  What Florida is to retired folks is what our neighborhood is to squirrels.  With all the ginormous oak and elm trees around here, these bastards are truly living the high life, running rampant and stealing everything in sight. After we’d been living in the house for about a week, I kept on hearing scratching noises in the walls and insisted that something was living in them.  My husband thought I was smoking crack until he was awakened at four in the morning one day to a whimpering sound coming from the wall on his side of the bed. After some Sherlock Holmes type of investigating, we discovered that a massive hole had been chewed in the soffit of our roof.  The little shits were using the ceiling above my son’s bedroom as their friggin’ front door to Partyville.  Since we live in a very tree-hugging community, we had to hire a pest control company to come and set up traps on the roof.  (I would’ve preferred to pick them off with a BB gun, but that’s just me.)  When all was said and done, we ended up paying these money grubbers over $1000 to capture and release the whopping SEVENTEEN squirrels that had infested our walls.  I don’t know about you, but I can think of about a million different ways I’d rather spend that kind of money.  So, as you can hopefully understand, we did not necessarily get off on the right foot with this particular rodent population.

     And from that moment on, it was as if a hit was put out on our family by these acorn a-holes to avenge the “disappearance” of seventeen of their crew members.  They made it their personal mission to terrorize the holy hell out of our family.  They chewed through the seats of two of our strollers that were left on the front porch.  They dug up countless pots of flowers to bury their stupid nuts.  They nibbled a huge gaping hole in the kids’ plastic picnic table.  They even gnawed through our trash cans in the alley to rip our trash apart, causing us to purchase aluminum cans as a result.  But the biggest kick in the ass was when they decided to mess with our Halloween pumpkins.

     The traditional jack-o-lantern carving ritual is something that is pretty sacred in this household.  The kids really get into it, even stripping off their shirts so they can get all down and dirty with the pumpkin guts.  The finished product is always a sight to be seen. However, the degenerate squirrels around here seem to think a decorative pumpkin is their own personal meal ticket.  They absolutely go to freaking town ripping them to shreds.  It breaks my kids’ hearts, as well as my own, when their beloved masterpieces are turned into something like this:


     And we have tried everything from spraying Pledge to sprinkling cayenne pepper on the pumpkins to deter them, but nothing seems to work.  It’s like they see these preventatives as special seasonings or something, since they still continue to completely devour them.  We have learned the hard way that the Nucking Futs Family simply cannot display our jack-o-lanterns until the actual day of Halloween, which really sucks for getting in the spirit of things.  You can only imagine what pitiful-looking pumpkins we’re left to choose from by that point of the season.

     I’ve decided that I need to hire my own private hit man to settle this bitch once and for all.  Hey, wait, I do believe we just recently added a new member to our little anti-squirrel coalition.  And, coincidentally, I hear that terriers LOVE to hunt squirrels.  And, hey, who am I to stop someone from doing something they LOVE to do? Look out you little furry-footed fiends — there’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Wrigley.  Woof!


14 Responses

  1. I know you are annoyed as Hell, but I’m giggling hysterically at that pumpkin de-facing!!!

  2. Be careful to check Wrigley’s mouth when he comes in. Dogs are as bad as cats are for bringing a “prize” home to show the family. That being said, “Good hunting Wrigley!”

  3. I feel your pain! I am not just a blogger by night but also one of those money grubbers you paid $1000.00 to! LOL… This is the time of year when they look for WARM places to shack up for the winter! Email me and I will give you some tips to keep them from getting in your house and MAYBE repel them from your pumpkins….

  4. LOL I hate those little bastards too. Everyone in our neighborhood has BB guns though. We aren’t the tree hugger types around here. If they come near our house they get shot in the ass. It just stings, it doesn’t kill them, but they definitely remember. Now if only I could do that to the cat lady’s 15 cats that rip our garbage apart, crap in our lawn, mate in front of the neighborhood children and pee on our stroller if we leave it outside that would be a REAL treat. If they were decent animals I wouldn’t have a problem with them, but when they start messing with my daughter’s stuff, that is WAR!

    • I need to have you as MY neighbor then! Bring on the BB guns! You should round up the neighborhood dogs to form a gang against those nasty ass cats — that’ll show ’em.

  5. try filling acorns with gun powder….squirrel land mines…I’m just sayin’

  6. Who knew squirrels could be so vindictive! Now I know who not to piss off in our neck of the woods! And 17 squirrels???? That’s unreal! You must have delicious acorns in your parts!

    • Oh yeah, they are not afraid & willing to take whatever they please. I despise them now — they’re like rats with bushy tails. Nasty.

  7. I still don’t see the problem????

    OK. I KID. That sucks.. reminds me of the dumbass pigeons that used to live on top of our house. Except they didn’t eat pumpkins or furniture padding. Just made too much damn noise. We tried to off them with a BB gun, but they were too fast.
    Good Luck my dear, I don’t envy you.

  8. By the way, it really gives new meaning to “Nucking Futs”

  9. It’s a pumpkin massacre! Bwahahaha!!!!

    Squirrels ARE rats with bushy tails!! They are disgusting and TOTALLY out to get you. Every day I am thankful that I now live in a quiet squirrel-free suburb. In fact I may just be tearing up right now FULL of thankfulness after reading about your horrors.

    Let me just tell you…I grew up in the So Cal mountains. When I got my drivers license my sisters and I counted how many squirrels I hit the first week. I got the highest count out of all 4 of us. I’m the queen. And yes, since our house was accross the street from Federal land we DID hunt those sons-of-bitches.

    When I saw that balloon on Twitter I immediately pictured it tied to the front of my mini-van. I actually sent it to my sister with a note that read something like…holy tortured squirrels it’s payback!! But alas I live in the land of tree-hugging freaks who have never seen the true nature of the evil squirrel. Every time I mention my distaste people here look at me like I am the evil one.

    • I think you might be my new favorite reader! Anyone who has a tally mark of all the squirrels they’ve run over is o.k. in my book! Kudos to you! 🙂

      And P.S., I’m seriously jealous that you now live in a squirrel-free area.

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