Express Lane, My Ass


     Know that checkout lane at the grocery store that clearly states “EXPRESS LANE” and that claims you should only have “10 ITEMS OR LESS“?  Yeah, you know, the one you’re supposed to be able to whiz through when you’re in a hurry and need to get in and out of the store in lightning speed?  Well, I’m wondering why they don’t just go ahead and change the sign to what it really should say — the “TOO STUPID TO COUNT THE ITEMS IN MY CART AND/OR TOO SLOW TO MOVE ANY FASTER THAN A TURTLE LANE.”

     Since I am not a plan-ahead meal planner AND because I have two VERY hungry children in my house, I am constantly making a bazillion trips to the grocery store.  I usually only need to get a few items, so I hardly ever even grab a cart.  Instead, I opt for one of those little carrying baskets (which, by the way, would it really kill them to actually clean those nasty-ass freaking things every once in a blue moon?!  I swear I’ve seen actual diseases being created on the bottoms of those things.)  By the time I’m ready to check out, my little basket is usually jam-packed and quite heavy, and I’m more than ready to dump all my crap on the conveyor belt.  (Note, though, that my dirty little basket NEVER has any more than ten items in it, because I actually count them to be sure of this!)

     So, when I’m standing there in the EXPRESS LANE with my ridiculously heavy load of crap in my arms, and the person ahead of me is oblivious to the fact that she has 900 ITEMS in her cart, it’s not gonna sit too well with me.  Honestly, can she not read, or can she not count?  I’d be perfectly happy to count them for her and to point out that there are twenty other not-so-happy customers waiting in the fast lane behind me.  I was so impressed last week when a cashier actually told the idiot woman with the overflowing cart in front of me that she had four times the amount of items that would qualify her to be in the EXPRESS LANE.  The woman was all offended and huffing and puffing as she exited the lane, but the rest of the line practically erupted into a cheer of “Hell yeah, lady, take that!”

     Then there are the people who try to use the quick checkout lanes who are anything BUT quick.  Sure, they may have less than ten items in their cart, but they move about as slow as molasses going uphill in winter.  If you’re gonna be all indecisive and add more stuff to your order that’s all the way at the back of the store and then ask for a price check on an item that’s clearly already priced, even though the patient lady behind you with her twins is about to lose her flipping mind from having to referee two very tired children who are about to tear each other apart while standing in a lane that’s not even close to moving, then you might want to think twice about declaring yourself an EXPRESS customer.  It’s just a hunch I have.

     Maybe the grocery stores should also include a definition of the word EXPRESS on the sign in that lane, so that people can understand that “express” does not mean take your own sweet time.  And maybe they should have a talking conveyor belt with a flashing siren that totally calls you out if you put more than ten items on it.  I’m just full of ideas.  I’ll think of anything that’ll help me get in and out of that place faster.  Believe you me, I don’t wanna be there any longer than I have to be, especially when it’s full of a bunch of people with their heads up their asses who can’t count or move out of my way.


14 Responses

  1. I LOVE the idea of the talking conveyor belt and flashing siren!!!

  2. HELL YEAH! I was so happy when my grocery store installed a ton of new “check yourself out” lanes, because all of the morons who clog the express lane shy away from them because clearly if you can’t handle counting 10 items, you can’t handle ringing yourself out. There’s always one open, too .. it’s like a revolution.

    • Yes, self-checkout lanes are brilliant! Unfortunately, the grocery store I go to doesn’t have them. So wish they did.

  3. Too bad they can’t read, because it would be awesome to wear a T-Shirt to the grocery store that says, “Yes, I’m glaring because of your excess items in the express lane.”

    Or maybe teach the concept to the twins so your daughter, if she’s bold enough, can loudly ask, “But mama, I thought you could only have ten things? Why does that person have 23?”

    Or better yet, instead of the loud talking conveyor belt, there could be an opening that swallows up the excess items (and reshelves them) and the offending shopper could end up having to go back through the store to pick them up again. They would only do that once.

    • You & I could really put our heads together to come up w/some kick-ass ideas! I LOVE your idea about getting my kids in on the action. I think it’s only fair that I have them practice their “math skills” out in public! And the conveyor belt that eats extra items — GENIOUS! Let’s go into business together!

  4. preach it!

  5. Don’t forget those out of touch people who whip out their checkbook in the express lane. Does their bank not offer debit cards which works the same freaking way as a check?? Come on now…

  6. You know, you really should learn how to express your feelings; you’re far too shy! LOL

    I happen to totally agree with you. I get absolutely irate at these morons and, if looks actually killed, I’d be a murdurer many times over. I like the idea of using our kids as weapons against these people. I think that I’ll start the training this weekend….

  7. hee hee…
    I think of myself as a sort of “lane whisperer”. I can totally spot the slow checkers, check writers, price checkers etc. I wish I could teach it, but I think I was just born with it. 🙂

    Good luck with the excess item eating conveyor belt. I’d totally invest in the idea!

  8. Grocery stores are the bane of my existence. There are signs, people! Read the signs. Do not go in eh bag your own lane and then bitch about having to bag your groceries yourself. Do not get in the express lane with a full cart. And do not, I repeat, do not park in the parking spots designated for people with infants and toddlers if you do not have one with you. An empty carseat is not good enough. You need a flesh and blood child with your person. I didn’t even park in them when I was pregnant and I had a flesh and blood child inside my person.

    Sorry. Rant over. Love the post.

    • Thanks for reading & for commenting! They make parking spots for people w/infants & toddlers??!! How did I miss that one?! I could have so used those when I was trying to wrangle twin toddlers through the parking lot! I swear they came up w/all the good ideas AFTER they would benefit me….

  9. Oh I have a great one – was in the express lane with 3 items. Lady in front of me has a loaf of bread, a gallon of milk and 20,000 cartons of yogurt!!! Just because it’s all yogurt, it does not count as one item!!!! And then, she knows the check-out lady and they proceed to talk forever AFTER she’s checked out…um, hello, there is a whole line of people here that want to get of the store sometime TODAY!!!

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