** I need a vacation from my vacation.
** My son’s hand is attached to his penis no less than 15 hours a day.
** Tiger Woods is an ass wipe. (Ok, so I already knew this, but his creepy new Nike ad proved this yet again.)
** A trip to the car wash is immediately followed by multiple days of rain.
** My head will no doubt spontaneously combust during the hours of 5-8 p.m. at night.
** Mario Lopez has his own talk show? WTF?!
** A guardian angel is looking out for my family. (See The Glass Explosion post.)
** Something very very evil is out to get my family. (See The Glass Explosion post.)
** Tupac and Elvis may be hiding under my daughter’s bed with all the crap she’s shoved underneath there.
** I see much better in hindsight.
** Homework time is to me what daylight is to a vampire.
** Margarita withdrawal really really sucks.
** Mud is not my friend.
** I can successfully take a quick shower when my kids have a playdate over here without someone walking in and seeing my girly goods (although I have a feeling this was a one time deal).
** There ain’t enough caffeine in all the damn world to fuel this mother ship.
** Nobody around here is sweetie enough to wipe the seatie after they sprinkle when they tinkle.
** There are way too many shameless people in this freaking world.
** I could totally start a wig company with all the loose hair that falls out of my head every day.
** I have a teensy weensy crush on Rihanna. Yes, yes I do.
** My kids are either trying to give me a heart attack or make me piss my pants. (The sneaking up on me thing has REALLY got to stop.)
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.