** I need to start turning tricks on the corner to pay for all this end of the school year crap.
** If it looks like pink eye, it probably is.
** Injecting crazy amounts of shit into your lips makes you look like Curious George.
** Spongebob, Dora & Calillou run a very tight race as to who has THE most annoying voice ever.
** I should never send the dog flowers, unless it’s for a snack.
** The bathroom at the grocery store is all kinds of nasty. (Just trust me on this one.)
** Whenever my daughter is skateboarding, I need to wear steal-toed shoes.
** Silly Bands are taking over the world, one rubber band at a time.
** Pop Tarts do NOT belong in your bra.
** If you have a penis, it works best to open the toilet seat lid before peeing.
** There’s a big pile of poo in the backyard. (The poor babysitter learned this too late.)
** When you’re really really tired, you can fall asleep just about anywhere, including the waiting room of the pediatrician’s office.
** Wine corks only break off in the bottle when my husband’s out of town.
** Every clock in our house says a different time, so technically, I am always on time.
** The Blackhawks know how to kick some ass!
** Homemade Mother’s Day presents are still great, even if you don’t receive them until two months after the fact.
** I’ve got the zombie look down to a freakin’ T.
** I should’ve talked the kids into a pet rock instead of a damn dog.
** It’s gonna be a LONG-ass summer.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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