People, can we just talk about parking lots for a minute please? Do you find yourself getting pissy almost each and every time you drive into one? Do you constantly feel like you’ve pulled into an overcrowded idiot convention? Well, I sure as hell do. I swear I was ready to get all Kung Fu in the grocery store parking lot over the weekend. If I’d had a megaphone, I would’ve rolled down my window and told every one of those lolly-gagging a-holes to move outta my damn way. Honestly, how can you have your head up your ass and still drive a car? Makes no sense at all. Unfortunately, it seems that the general population has forgotten all about the basic common sense rules of parking lot etiquette:
#1: If you’re gonna insist on waiting for Grandma Moses to take her sweet time pulling out of the closest parking space to the building, then scoot your freaking car over to the side so that the mile-long line of cars behind you can get around you. You are not the Queen of Sheeba, and nobody wants to wait on your slow ass to get that prime spot.
#2: Park your stupid car in between the yellow lines so that I don’t have to worry about you door dinging me when I pull in next to you. It’s not that hard, and if you can’t do it properly, then maybe you need a refresher course at the DMV.
#3: Don’t put advertisements on my flipping windshield — whatever shit you’re selling, I’m not buying it.
#4: It’s soooo not cool for a non-handicapped person to park in a handicapped spot. Do you really think the person who’s in a wheelchair’s gonna be ok with you taking his spot cause you just HAD to run into the Starbuck’s real super quick to grab your damn latte?
#5: Driving like Danica Patrick in the Toys R’ Us parking lot is probably NOT the best idea. Most people prefer that their offspring not look like little kid roadkill.
#6: When you’re walking to your car with all your packages, you might not wanna walk SMACK DAB DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING AISLE. Just a thought.
#7: If you see that I’m trying to load up my car with a bunch of bags AND two small children, you might just wanna find another spot to wait on cause I’m probably gonna be a while. You sitting there glaring at me with your turn signal on is only gonna irritate me. And laying on your horn is most certainly NOT gonna make me speed up. In fact, I may do the exact opposite just for meanness.
#8: Take your damn cart back to the cart corral when you’re finished with it. Don’t even think about leaving it in the empty parking space next to yours simply because you’re too stinkin’ lazy to walk it ten paces over to the cart corral.
#9: If you see that someone’s backing out of a parking space, how ’bout you wait a tiny second and allow them to back out? Zooming around them on two wheels is not gonna get you anywhere faster.
And #10, THE GOLDEN RULE: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT steal someone else’s parking space!