Mother’s Day Recap

I wish every day could be Mother’s Day so my kids would behave and give me cute drawings that tell me they love me all day long. They were literally bursting at the seams to FINALLY be able to give me their “All About Mom” books they’d made for me in school. The first page was a portrait of me that, while sweet, left me a little disappointed at just how unattractive I apparently look to them. Check out my ORANGE bedhead hair and freakishly short legs in my daughter’s drawing. Supposedly, I’m the chick in the purple “tank top”:

And then there’s my son’s drawing of me in which he proclaimed that I have blond hair (it’s actually brown) and blue eyes (also brown). It seems I also have snowman arms and a REALLY long torso. He was thorough enough to include a height chart to show that I’m “about five feet tall“:

I also received love “coupons,” good for things like “a hug” and “a kiss,” and I even accidentally got another kid’s coupon from my daughter’s class that’s good for a “window cleaning,” which I’m totally planning on cashing in. I mean, I’m sure her mom won’t mind, right? My favorite thing I learned yesterday by far was that my son said his mom loves him because “she gives me a quarter if I eat my whole sandwich“. Yep, I wrote the book on parenting, alright.

Mother Freakin’ Hints

So Mother’s Day is this weekend, right? (And for those of you who live in a cave and didn’t know this, grab a Sharpie and write it on your damn calendar in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS right freaking now!) Anyway, I’ve been dropping mad hints left and right about things the kids and hubby could possibly get for me. After all, I think I deserve a seriously bad-ass gift, given all the crap I do for everybody around here day in and day out. The problem, though, is that I have a feeling all these subliminal suggestions are falling on deaf ears.

Now don’t get me wrong — it’s not like I’m expecting diamonds or new cars or anything fancy like that. I, for one, do NOT believe every kiss begins with Kay. No, I’ve been dreaming about more practical things that don’t necessarily break the bank. For example, for three years now. I’ve been planting the seed of how much I’d LOVE to have a front porch swing. I can just picture myself swinging away with a margarita in hand as my perfectly-behaved children play nicely in the front yard. (Ok, so maybe this scene of tranquility is a tad bit far-fetched for the Nucking Futs Clan, but it’s MY fantasy, so humor me people!) So far though, no dice on the swing dream.

I’ve also been reporting any massage specials I hear being advertised on t.v. or on the radio. A professional rub down would be profoundly appreciated since I literally bend over backwards for these people 24/frickin’/7. And the only kind of massage I can get around here is when I bribe my kids with a quarter to make circles with their bony little elbows on my back. Needless to say, Mama’s muscles would be totally down with some tender loving care.

I think, but I can’t confirm, that my family is up to something though. My husband has said that he’s been working on a “project” for the past week and quickly closes his computer every time I get near it. It’s either something really cool and special, or he’s totally surfing porn.  It could go either way.  All I know is that I better not get a damn vacuum cleaner or lame old pots and pans cause I think I deserve better than that.  I work hard for the money, dammit! Oh, wait, that’s right…I don’t get paid ANY money for this flipping job. Maybe every kiss SHOULD begin with Kay from now on….

One Lucky Mama

Hooray for Mother’s Day!  Up until this morning, I wasn’t so sure today would be any different than any other day.  My daughter has been bugging me for days to help her make my own Mother’s Day present, which I refused to do, and I was feeling a little jilted having only received a bouquet of dead dandelions my daughter had picked from a neighbor’s yard for me. So, it was much to my pleasant surprise this morning when I received <drumroll please> ………………… BREAKFAST IN BED!  My husband and kids completely shocked me with a Belgian waffle, strawberries, fresh-squeezed orange juice, and a hand-picked card from each one of them.  The little smiles on my twins’ faces were ear to ear with excitement — they couldn’t wait for me to see the careful attention they had put into not only picking out my cards but signing them, as well.  My daughter’s was a given — a super cute dog wagging his tail (she never passes up a good dog card).  My son’s, though, was the absolute best.  It was a musical card that read, “Every time I think of you…” on the front. Now, just looking at this card, I was quite certain that it was not meant to be from a son to his mother.  It was clearly a lovey, dovey husband to wife card.  When I opened it up, a song started playing, “I melt every time you look at me that way”, and it read, “I fall in love all over again.”  As soon as the song began to play, my son beamed with pride as he broke out into his own choreographed interpretation of the words.  I tried my hardest not to laugh, but before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face from trying to contain myself.  He was clearly over the moon with his selection, and I loved every minute of his unique display of affection.  I feel like the luckiest mama in the world, and I can’t think of a better way to start off the day.  I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone because each of my kids has repeatedly asked me if I need anything.  I know they’re being prompted by their daddy, but, hey, I’ll take what I can get!  Now, if only everyone will continue to be this thoughtful and sweet for the remainder of the day….