** I can light a grill without burning off my eyebrows.
** Chocolate carmel pecan Easter eggs are not safe in this house, even if they’re the size of Texas.
** The dog likes to drink beer.
** Fruit Roll-Ups are to teeth what water is to the Wicked Witch of the West.
** OPI’s “Privacy Please” is a super cool, very natural-looking nail polish color.
** I need a vacation.
** My children should win a medal for their nighttime tip-toeing abilities.
** We should never watch porn before 10 p.m.
** I can sleep with my eyes open.
** The theme for Thursdays is apparently “Drive Like A Jackass Day.”
** I could be lying on the family room floor bleeding to death & no one in my family would notice.
** Little shit-covered Hello Kitty underwear still smell like ass even after they’ve been shoved in a dirty clothes hamper for 2 days. (If only my daughter had learned this as well….)
** I need a vacation.
** “Dancing With the Stars” reminds me of “The Lawrence Welk Show” with sluttier outfits.
** Why just get a Grande when I can get a Venti?
** A polygon is a dead parrot. (Props to my son, the comedian, for that one.)
** The devil horns pop out of my children’s heads at approximately 7:02 every night.
** Allergies are trying to make the Nucking Futs family swim with the fishes.
** I really need to reiterate the “dump & flush” rule in this house.
** Joe Biden likes to drop the F-bomb whenever possible.
** Did I mention that I need a vacation?
** My family’s trying like hell to get us on an episode of “Hoarders.”
** I am asked 788,946 questions every day.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
Filed under: mom blog, mom trying to stay sane blog | Tagged: allergies, Dancing with the Stars, family, fruit roll-ups, kids, laundry, moms, motherhood, parenting, stress, vacation | 21 Comments »
