Caution: Idiot Behind The Wheel

     I am by no means a perfect driver.  In fact, many would argue that I have a tendency to have a lead foot when I’m behind the wheel.  Can I help it if I just wanna hurry up and get from Point A to Point B?  However, there are many other people out there on the road who are WAY worse than me when it comes to annoying driving behaviors.

     First off, there’s the driver who won’t even go the damn speed limit.  If the posted sign says 40 mph, that does not mean that you should leisurely putter along at 30 mph, taking in all the scenery along the way.  Nothing burns my booty more than getting behind some old fart who refuses to go anywhere near an acceptable speed.  Put the pedal to the metal and move along little doggies — mama’s got places to go and people to see!  (And for the record, I beg each and every one of you to promise me that you will confiscate my keys if and when I become one of these little old ladies who’s reminiscent of a turtle on wheels.)

     Then, we have the driver who doesn’t use turn signals.  I really don’t get this concept.  Are we supposed to just guess which way your car’s gonna go or what?  Unfortunately, most of us don’t have ESP, so we’re not going to be able to accurately predict that you’re turning into the Walgreen’s parking lot at any given minute.  I mean, come on, seriously, how hard is it to flip a little switch to the left or to the right?  Are you really THAT lazy of a person?

     Then, there’s the driver who’s pimping a lookalike cop car.  You know what I’m talking about — the ones that make you slam on your brakes when you’re cruising along a little too fast down the highway, only to find out that it’s just some old dude in a cowboy hat smoking a pipe.  Why exactly would you want people to mistake you for the fuzz?  Is it cause you just enjoy effing with people?  

     And what about the people who straddle the middle line of the road?  Talk about giving someone a freaking heart attack!  It’s not a very pleasant feeling to wonder if you’re about to have a head-on collision with one of these yahoos barreling towards you. And if you’re behind one of these drivers, you can’t help but wonder if they’ve been tipping the old Jack Daniels bottle as they’re swerving and curving and practically making figure eights on the pavement ahead of you. Those yellow lines were painted there for a reason, people!  You stay on your side, and I’ll stay on mine.  Such a reasonable concept, if you ask me.  

     And then we have the people who display those “Baby On Board” stickers on their back windows.  What exactly is the purpose of these little decals? Am I supposed to hit you softer if we have an accident?  Am I only supposed to drive safely when I’m around YOUR car?  Shouldn’t I be driving safely for everyone, regardless of whether they’re an infant or not?  Maybe I should put a sticker on my car that says, “Nucking Futs Mama On Board” so that people will know not to piss me off by driving like an idiot around me.  

     As hard as I may try to avoid all these nit-witted drivers, I tend to come in contact with them countless times a day.  Sadly, it seems that they’re everywhere, they’re everywhere!  The road is a scary enough place to be as it is, and then you throw in people like this, and you’ve got yourself a giant headache in the making.  Pop some Advil in your purse and get your horns ready, folks, cause it’s pretty damn ugly out there.