This year my husband and I were asked to help co-host a big adults-only Halloween bash with four other couples. Somehow or another, one of the other wives and I got roped into picking out the prizes to be awarded for best costumes. They were supposed to be funny gag gifts, and after much Googling for stores such as Spencer’s and the like, we realized that our retail options were very limited in our area. The only place we came up with is a store called “Lover’s Lane.” You can probably use your imagination to guess what type of merchandise they carry, but let’s just say it’s a lingerie/”toy” store.
When my friend and I pulled up to the place, we questioned whether it was even open because there were maybe only two other cars in the parking lot. They were most certainly open, though, and the hours were painted right there on the door along with the words, “You must be 18 years of age to enter.” When we opened the door, we were surprised at the large selection of Halloween costumes they carried. (Granted, they were all things like slutty referee, slutty maid, slutty Girl Scout, etc.) We mosied on along to the wall that had all the bachelorette party goods on display.
We were like the blind leading the blind in there. The vast assortment of penis paraphenalia sort of stopped us in our tracks. We just stood there in amazement at how many penis products there were from which to choose. There were penis lollipops, penis leis, penis chocolates, penis straws, penis cups, penis pens, a “Pin the Penis on the Stud” game, and so on and so on. We obviously looked out of place there or something (I can’t imagine why), because the sales clerk, who was modeling one of the slutty Halloween costumes sold in the store, came over to try to help us. We told her that we needed to buy gag gifts for a Halloween party, but she clearly didn’t understand the concept of “gag.” She proceeded to show us massage oils and feathered ticklers and vibrators and all sorts of things that were WAY more personal than what we had in mind. We told her we’d just browse.
We ended up deciding on a penis soda can sipper to go with a boob beer can sipper and a penis inspector badge to go with a boob inspector badge. But then we were stumped. The selection of merchandise was clearly more in the penis realm. We needed more boobs. I called the girl over and said, “Excuse me, but do you have a boob section anywhere?” She looked at me like I was crazy and said that no, they didn’t really have a “boob section.” Instead, she led us around the corner to a selection of edible underwear and some blow-up dolls. After a whole lot of should we or shouldn’t we, we finally chose some his & hers edible drawers and even ended up getting a blow-up doll, which will be awarded late night in the party to whoever makes the biggest ass out of themselves (we’re counting on it to be a guy since it’s an inflatable female). I thought about buying one of the dolls for my husband when I’m just too tired for all that but decided against it in the end.
All in all, we were pretty happy with what we found. I hope and pray that we don’t offend any of the prize winners, but if we do, then those people shouldn’t be at the party in the first place. Halloween is all about having fun and letting your hair down. And if you happen to come home with a blow-up doll at the end of the night, she’ll last a helluva lot longer than any old piece of candy.