Caution: Idiot Behind The Wheel

     I am by no means a perfect driver.  In fact, many would argue that I have a tendency to have a lead foot when I’m behind the wheel.  Can I help it if I just wanna hurry up and get from Point A to Point B?  However, there are many other people out there on the road who are WAY worse than me when it comes to annoying driving behaviors.

     First off, there’s the driver who won’t even go the damn speed limit.  If the posted sign says 40 mph, that does not mean that you should leisurely putter along at 30 mph, taking in all the scenery along the way.  Nothing burns my booty more than getting behind some old fart who refuses to go anywhere near an acceptable speed.  Put the pedal to the metal and move along little doggies — mama’s got places to go and people to see!  (And for the record, I beg each and every one of you to promise me that you will confiscate my keys if and when I become one of these little old ladies who’s reminiscent of a turtle on wheels.)

     Then, we have the driver who doesn’t use turn signals.  I really don’t get this concept.  Are we supposed to just guess which way your car’s gonna go or what?  Unfortunately, most of us don’t have ESP, so we’re not going to be able to accurately predict that you’re turning into the Walgreen’s parking lot at any given minute.  I mean, come on, seriously, how hard is it to flip a little switch to the left or to the right?  Are you really THAT lazy of a person?

     Then, there’s the driver who’s pimping a lookalike cop car.  You know what I’m talking about — the ones that make you slam on your brakes when you’re cruising along a little too fast down the highway, only to find out that it’s just some old dude in a cowboy hat smoking a pipe.  Why exactly would you want people to mistake you for the fuzz?  Is it cause you just enjoy effing with people?  

     And what about the people who straddle the middle line of the road?  Talk about giving someone a freaking heart attack!  It’s not a very pleasant feeling to wonder if you’re about to have a head-on collision with one of these yahoos barreling towards you. And if you’re behind one of these drivers, you can’t help but wonder if they’ve been tipping the old Jack Daniels bottle as they’re swerving and curving and practically making figure eights on the pavement ahead of you. Those yellow lines were painted there for a reason, people!  You stay on your side, and I’ll stay on mine.  Such a reasonable concept, if you ask me.  

     And then we have the people who display those “Baby On Board” stickers on their back windows.  What exactly is the purpose of these little decals? Am I supposed to hit you softer if we have an accident?  Am I only supposed to drive safely when I’m around YOUR car?  Shouldn’t I be driving safely for everyone, regardless of whether they’re an infant or not?  Maybe I should put a sticker on my car that says, “Nucking Futs Mama On Board” so that people will know not to piss me off by driving like an idiot around me.  

     As hard as I may try to avoid all these nit-witted drivers, I tend to come in contact with them countless times a day.  Sadly, it seems that they’re everywhere, they’re everywhere!  The road is a scary enough place to be as it is, and then you throw in people like this, and you’ve got yourself a giant headache in the making.  Pop some Advil in your purse and get your horns ready, folks, cause it’s pretty damn ugly out there.

Road Block

     Last night I took the kids to visit a childhood friend of mine.  She lives way out in the country, and let’s just say that I’m not the best when it comes to directions.  I was very proud of myself to make it all the way there without any major glitches, but the return trip, however, was an entirely different story.  We didn’t leave her house until dark, and my eyes are not what they used to be after the sun goes down.

     My husband called my cell as soon as we left her house, which completely distracted me from my GPS system in the car.  After driving twenty minutes completely out of the way, I realized that absolutely NOTHING looked even remotely familiar to me, even in the dark.  I had to do a U-turn and backtrack until I was close to civilization again.  When we finally got close to my parents’ house, I came to a “road closed” sign less than five minutes from their neighborhood.  Now, I KNOW I have gone around these type of barricades at night in the past, without any type of consequences whatsoever.  This, however, was not to be my lucky night.  As soon as I got to the end of the road block and saw that I would have to completely turn around to get out of it, I noticed the red and blue flashing lights in my rearview mirror.  Awesome.

     My kids, of course, were thrilled at this turn of events.  A real, live sheriff was walking up to OUR car!  Lucky me!  I immediately apologized and tried to explain that I’m from out of town and didn’t realize that I couldn’t get through the road block.  I mean, I feel like I look like a pretty honest person, and, seriously, I had two kids in the back seat at 10:00 at night with OUT OF STATE license plates, for cripe’s sakes!  Unfortunately for me, though, he claimed that the neighbors have all been complaining about this very thing and that he would get in trouble if he didn’t give me the ticket.  No matter how much I tried to bat my eyes or look pathetic, he wasn’t budging.  He tried to give the kids some stupid sheriff’s badge stickers to make up for it.  They, nor I, were the least bit impressed.  How ’bout you take those stickers AND your stinkin’ ticket and shove them up your…ASSinine — the whole thing was just asinine. 

     So, my visit with my childhood friend didn’t exactly end on the best note.  I came home with a hell of a lot less gas in the car, two very sleepy kids, a very unfair ticket, and one pissed off attitude.  Not really what I’d had in mind when I’d set out to have a fun, relaxing evening, reminiscing about the good old days….