** Judgmental moms can suck it.
** My kids coined the phrase, “Save the drama for your mama.“
** Fingernail clippings do NOT belong on the kitchen table.
** Dirt floors would better serve this household.
** If a door says “PULL” to open, you probably shouldn’t push it.
** Watching a YouTube video of lice crawling in someone’s hair can scar you for life.
** I really shouldn’t have to keep saying, “Don’t eat your boogers.”
** Moth balls should be illegal. Pee-eww.
** I have a cooler with a baseball bat and a shovel in my backyard.
** I am classy.
** Children only want to sleep in on school days.
** Our foyer looks like a shoe factory had the runs.
** We should’ve named the dog “Asshole.”
** My son is obsessed with timers.
** Nobody truly lives on Perfect Mountain.
**”Jack and Jill” is one dumb-ass nursery rhyme.
** BP stands for “Big Pussies.”
** Google is my friend.
** It’s beyond bizarre that my waxing lady leaves the room for me to remove my pants before a bikini wax. Hello…lady bits in your face!
** I’ll be dead before I finally feel rested.
** There are WAY too many grumpy people in this world.
** I could really use a personal assistant.
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.
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