** It’s not a good idea to go for a run after a Brazilian bikini wax. You should just trust me on this.
** Kids need to eat every day. Who knew?
** I’ve forgotten which way is up and which way is down.
** Mother Nature is having a jolly old time screwing with those of us who thought it was actually Spring.
** Avocados rock my world.
** I am a human coat rack, according to my kids anyway.
** The bags under my eyes have taken up permanent residence & will now be referred to as Lucy & Ethel.
** Diet Coke is my co-pilot.
** Douchebags are just crawling outta the woodworks. The latest? Steven Seagal.
** My dog prefers thong underwear (to eat, not to wear).
** I will soon be pancake pavement since NOBODY wants to stop for pedestrians anymore.
** Smoke alarm batteries die at approximately 3:33 a.m.
** My son may be the longest story teller in the history of story tellers.
** There’s a wocket in my pocket.
** I will never speak true Starbucks lingo.
** “F’ing-A” is my go-to phrase when I stub my toe.
** I need to win the lottery. Like now.
** Scotch tape disappears as quickly in my house as wine.
** I am apparently not smarter than a first grader.
** Goldfish crackers are best enjoyed in the nude.
** Getting off a mountain bike is definitely not one of my strengths. (See black & blue left kneecap).
** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.