A while back, my husband and I got into a discussion about this whole “sexting” phenomenon. With all the talk about it in the media, we were both saying we felt like we should really see what all the hype was about. (Perhaps we felt a little left out?) Anyway, we don’t want our kids to think they can EVER EVER get away with this when they’re teenagers, so decided we should give it a go ourselves so as to be better educated <ahem> on the latest trends. We thought we’d be one step ahead of the game and all. And let’s just say that my first couple of experiences with it were not quite as “sexy” as I’d had in mind.
I guess I completely forgot about my whole suck-ass ability to take a decent freaking picture with my iPhone to save my damn life. I’m always chopping off heads or accidentally moving my hand, creating the world’s most unidentifiable, blurry photo ever known to man-kind. And to try to take a picture of myself? Well, that’s a whole other story in and of itself. I can never figure out how just to angle my arm so that I can actually get myself in the picture. Even if I stand in front of a mirror, I still somehow manage to eff it up. So, you can imagine just how jacked up a self-took naughty photo might potentially be. And that’s just what happened on my first attempt at this sexting thing.
We were coming back from a weekend road trip when I thought I’d sneak a quick pic of myself on one of our bathroom breaks. I planned to surprise my husband and give him a little sum’n sum’n to think about on the long, long drive back home. (What a nice wife I am, right?) So I was in a stall trying like hell to position my iPhone just so, which turned out to be a damn near impossible task, and I was getting more and more frustrated by the second. Wouldn’t ya know that I picked the skinniest stall in all the friggin’ land? No matter how I tried to position myself, I could not get the “angle” I wanted. When I finally had it focused, I lost my grip on the phone and gasped in horror as I watched it tumbling toward the toilet. Like a game of Hot Potato, it bounced from hand to hand before I was eventually able to get a firm hold on it. Needless to say, my first attempt at sexting was a big, fat failure.
Never one to give up without a fight, though, I decided to give it another try one day when my hubby was at work. I figured an impromptu pic from me would surely brighten up a boring old day at the office for him. It took me about 10,000 tries before I got just the right shot I was going for, but I eventually was able to get what I thought was a pretty damn good image. I typed a quick text message and hit “Send‘, feeling quite proud of my technology skills for a brief moment. I was sure that I’d instantly get a return text saying something to the nature of, “Holy shit! You’re the best wife ever, and I want to shower you with diamonds.” However, one hour later, I still hadn’t heard a single flipping thing from my husband. I started to wig out that maybe I’d sent it to the wrong person. Dear God, what if I’d accidentally tweeted it? Or what if his phone was lying on his desk and someone picked it up and saw more of me than they were ever hoping to? I frantically searched my phone and sent my hubby four different texts to see if he’d ever received it. Thirty AGONIZING minutes later, I finally heard back from him saying he’d been stuck in a meeting but was pleasantly surprised to find my message. I told him to enjoy it cause the near heart attack he’d given me had pretty much sucked all the fun out of that sexting experience for me.
So, for now, I think I’d better just stick with my crooked little action shots of the kids and the dog on the old cell phone. It’d be just my luck that a very incriminating picture of me would somehow end up in the hands of someone like the coach of my son’s baseball team. Talk about throwing a guy a curve ball….